Ovo je moj početak jer ja stati neću!

Od
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Ovih dana u ruke mi je došla dirljiva ispovijed, prekrasne žene, Sandre Petrž „Sandročka zlostavljana“.

Nedostaju riječi kojima bi opisala ono što sam osjećala dok sam čitala njene riječi, muku koju je doživjela i proživjela u raljama zlostavljača, očajničku  borbu koju mogu razumjeti samo oni koji su to iskusili.

Ma koliko mučna i teška, njena priča ima sretan kraj. Sandra je žena, snažna i hrabra, jedna od rijetkih koja se uspjela istrgnuti  i prekinuti  začarani krug nasilja i ponižavanja koje mnoge od nas i dalje trpe.

I zato mi je neobična čast da našu novu rubriku „Pobjednice!“  (u kojoj ćemo objavljivati istinite životne priče – sudbine žena koje su preživjele pakao nasilja) započnemo upravo njenom pričom i našim zajedničkim apelom: progovorimo o zlostavljanju!

SANDRA PETRŽ doista je prava POBJEDNICA.

Usudila se prekinuti začarani krug nasilja i započela novo, sretno poglavlje u svom životu. O svojim bolnim iskustvima zlostavljanja hrabro i otvoreno progovorila je u svojoj knjizi SANDROČKA ZLOSTAVLJANA. U svojoj je knjizi, Sandra je javno prozvala sve svoje zlostavljače i hvala joj na tome!

PORUKA POBJEDNICE – Ovo je moj početak jer ja stati neću!

Foto: Zlatko Gašpar

SANDRA PETRŽ:

Htjela sam ohrabriti sve žene da javno prozovu svoje zlostavljače, jer ako šute, to je nešto najgore što mogu učiniti za sebe. Dakle javno prozovite svog zlostavljača, ja ih na žalost imam više, ali eto hrabra sam jer progovorila sam i više vas se ne bojim.

Imala sam tu nesreću da od djetinjstva iskusim „čari“ zlostavljanja pa iz osobnog iskustva mogu govoriti o tome.

Mogu razumjeti, ali ipak mi bude žao što mediji u većini slučajeva pozivaju poznate osobe da govore o zlostavljanju, a nikada nisu bile u takvoj situaciji. Čast iznimkama.

Zašto ne zovu osobe koje su živjele u paklu i od kojih se iz prve ruke može sve doznati? Svaka čast našim divama, lijepo izgledaju, ali ako nisu prošle pakao, kako znaju kako je tamo? Većina njih imala je divan život, prekrasno djetinjstvo, a zovu ih i plaćaju im da govore o zlostavljanju. Mnogo toga može se pročitati u stručnoj literaturi, može se i studirati, ali zar stvarno mislite da znate više od mene kako je vruće i kako prži u paklu zlostavljanja? Znate li stvarno kako boli kad svakodnevno dobivate udarce, možete li osjetiti tu bol, možete li znati kako boli ranjeno i poniženo srce ako to niste doživjeli?

Donosimo i najpotresnije ulomke iz knjige

 O zlostavljanju u braku:

Vratili smo se u zatvor… svaku večer uspavala bih dijete, zaspala pored njega. On bi dolazio, izvlačio me iz kreveta, tražio da obučem izazovno donje rublje, štikle i da mu usred noći plešem, da izazovno njišem bokovima, a on bi se sav napaljen samozadovoljavao. Ne bi to ni bilo tako loše, uopće ne bi da ja to nisam morala raditi na silu čovjeku koji me tako mučio i ponižavao.

Nakon mog plesa, ovisno o njegovu raspoloženju ili bi me poševio ili bi me potjerao u sobu. Tada bi se on prepustio gledanju pornića do ranih jutarnjih sati  ili bi vodio duge telefonske razgovore…

Noći su postajale sve gore. Sve češće sam morala plesati. Nisam to više mogla trpjeti, a nisam se smjela buniti. Gadilo mi se kad bi me dodirnuo, ali sam šutjela. Ponekad bi u noći ušao u sobu, upalio svjetlo, urlao, izvlačio me iz kreveta, rasturio posteljinu, bacao jastuke. Tražio bi neki dokaz da ga varam. Krvavih očiju, poput bijesne životinje napadao bi me da priznam. Što da mu priznam? Nisam znala, zaista nisam znala što to moram priznati…

O psihičkom stanju:

Sve sam više tonula u mrak, u dubok bunar bez kraja, bez nade, bez svjetla, bez zrake sunca. Bilo je ljeto, u njegovu kraju vruće ljeto, a u meni zima, sibirska hladnoća, beskraj ničega….

Poruka zlostavljanim ženama, prijateljicama po muci, o začaranom krugu;

Eto, sve moje prijateljice i ti, moja bliska prijateljice K. Iz istog grada, koja si prošla sa svojim sinom sličnu priču i odlučila prekinuti takav brak, a i ti sestro, i ti prijateljice koja živiš preko granice i dijeliš sa mnom istu sudbinu, a još se vrtiš u krugu kao ja nekada, znaš sve, proživljavaš sve što sam i ja, ali nisi još došla u fazu da javno progovoriš… sve vi i one ostale koje ne znaju, znajte da niste ništa krive.

Osim što ostajete u takvoj vezi i vrtite se u krug. Čekate udarac, primite udarac, a onda živite za nježan dodir i lijep pogled svog zlostavljača, pogled koji se možda dogodi, a možda se i ne dogodi. Nikad. Nadate se da će se možda nešto promijeniti.                      I Tako se vrtite u krug čekajući neku pozitivnu promjenu. Ne činite ništa, ne izlazite jer ne smijete, ne radite, jer gdje god radile zlostavljač dolazi, ponizi vas na radnom mjestu, prati vas kamo god pošle.

Jako griješite! Samo ste vi te koje možete promijeniti nešto, promijeniti sve što vam smeta i što vas boli! Nitko drugi ne može to učiniti umjesto vas. Vi i samo vi odlučujete!

O zlostavljanju u djetinjstvu

Jednog jutra krenem s četvrtog kata susjedi u prizemlje. Iz lifta izlazi susjed. Naš „dragi“ susjed, inače taksist, živio je s obitelji na istom katu. S njegove dvije slatke unučice ponekad sam se igrala. U to vrijeme postojali su ti dobrosusjedski odnosi.

Primio me za ruku i rekao:

  • Odi sa mnom da vidiš moje unučice.

I ja krenem za njim. On otključa stan, uđemo unutra, stan prazan. On zatvara vrata, pohotno me pogleda, naslanja me na zid i pritisne svojim  tijelom.

  • Već te dugo želim polizati.

Počeo me lizati po licu kao pas ljepljivim, slinavim jezikom, dišući ubrzano i stišćući me sve više. Osjetila sam negdje u visini trbuha njegov ukrućeni penis. Skamenila sam se i neko se vrijeme nisam mogla ni pomaknuti….

Rosie Kugli

 

 

 

 

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