Čega se boji mama … pogotovo ona koja ostane sama…?

Znam da malo rime nije ubilo nikog.

Imala sam upravo ono što sam željela, ali izreka: „Što je lijepo, kratko traje.“, u potpunosti je istinita.

Moja obitelj, suprug, ja, djeca, kuća u mirnom gradiću, susjedi, prijatelji, kumovi, rodbina… Sve se to preko noći raspršilo poput balona od sapunice.

Tek tada sam vidjela prava lica svih onih koji su mi, skoro pa svakodnevno, dolazili na kavu, smiješili mi se na ulici i tapšali me po ramenu.

Malo njih ja ostalo uz mene.

Većinu ih je najviše zanimalo, što sam to JA napravila, jer u društvu u kojem sam živjela, normalno je bilo da žena griješi, a muškarac je glava obitelji i svetinja.

Obitelj je svetinja. Ljudi griješe. Ovog puta, on je pogriješio.

Mnogo puta sam preispitivala sebe, dali sam možda trebala drugačije postupiti…boriti se za njega?? Moliti ga da ne radi to što je napravio??

Slomila sam se, pala na dno i moj svemir u tom trenu je stao. Apokalipsa. Taj dan i suze su presušile, a ja sam isplakala sve što sam mogla, sve što sam trebala. Ostala sam potpuno sama.

Jedan glas me vratio nazad, jedna rečenica koju ću pamtiti do kraja života: „Mama, nemoj plakati, mi smo tu!“

Njihove, možda bespomoćne ruke, bile su najmoćnije oružje tog dana, a srca naivna, jer oni su vjerovali da je on otišao raditi i da će se vratiti jer ih voli. Jer im je tata.

Koliko samo naivan i nedužan pogled može biti jednog djeteta…pun nade, vjere i ljubavi u osobu koja im je trebala biti sve, osobu koja im je trebala biti stup života…osobu koja ih je tog dana napustila… Ovaj svijet ih još nije pokvario.

Ostala mi je jedina stvar koju sam mogla napraviti…udahni-izdahni…pa udahni ponovo. Srce i dalje kuca, dišem, živim i moram dalje.

Istu sam radnju ponavljala iz dana u dan. Udahni…živiš dalje…bori se!!

Prošlo je već četiri godine.

Jesam li oprostila? Jesam.

Jesam li zaboravila? Nisam.

Bojim li se? Više ne!!

Borim se, trpim.

Dali ću dopustiti da im se nešto desi? Nikada!!

Postala sam lavica!! Žena, majka, kraljica!!

I neka svima bude jasno, mama, kada ostane sama, ne boji se nikoga!!

Ana-Marija Vusić

 

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